Love Like Ice
by Brother.Grimms.Girl
Summary: He was lost in the tundra. He knew he would die here. Die iced over and alone. He knew no one knew he had left Camelot and even if they did find him they would wonder why. Arthur would never know his secret and think the worse of him, he was sure. Merlin counted on dying. He never counted on Arthur coming to save him. The question is…why?
1. Prolog: Tundra

_**Prolog: Tundra **_

It is cold, so very, very cold. It burns my skin and freezes my insides. I believe my soul must also be frozen. My sight is blinded by the snow drifts as they whip that way and that across the white land- a wind howling, god forsaken, and hellish white abyss. I have no tell-tale sign of where I am heading. I had lost my sense of direction hours ago. There are no stars to guide my way, no moss grown trees, and no lights flickering from nearby homes. All I know is that I want to go home. I wrap my arms, numb as they are, around my torso. I had lost my cloak hours before. Oh yes, I had left it back in Ealdor in front of the hearth because I was in a rush to get home.

_Yet, I may never make it there. _

I trip over something covered in snow. I slide on my stomach as I register that I must have been on a hill of some sort. It is a fruitless effort as I try to use my hands as leverage to stop myself-useless as there is nothing to save me out here in this cold land. I close my eyes praying to the Gods for a swift death. I am flying. The world twirls as my body and head hit something solid. I hear a soft noise as I open my eyes. As I look at white turning a dark red I realize it is me. My groan is over powered by another noise. Howls: hungry, demanding howls. Tears pool down my face as I crawl arms over arm forward. I yelp in joy as I spy a short incline about a stone thrown away from me. I could climb then hide on the opposite side. I put all my strength into the climb. Arthur would have been stunned to see me move so fast.

_Arthur…No, Merlin, don't think about him. Not now._

Grey darts to the far right of me. I look over my shoulder, stopping my ascent. Fear claws at my belly as yellow eyes glare back at me: the only real color in the world at the moment. A pack of wolves had made a U on the opposite embankment. They looked down on me. I could hear the lust for meat in their snarls. They were ravenous just as I was, but they had gone without food longer then I. They start to advance.

_I am about to meet my death. I am to die here all alone and no one will know what became of me. My body will be found, my bones cracked and broken when the snow melts. Arthur will never know why I had left. He will think the worse I am sure. Arthur will never know that…that…_

One of the wolves, a strong built alpha male soared off the embankment. It slid as it landed and came to a stop close enough to touch. I look it in the eye as it circles me. I raise my hand, trying to form words out of my ice-covered lips. A blue spark jumps in my palm. The wolf rushes forward. We tumbled. I screamed…

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	2. Chapter one: Out There Some Where

**Chapter one: out there somewhere**

The feast had been going on for what felt like hours. The king tipped his golden goblet and sat it down with a sigh. It was empty. Arthur adjusted his position in the straight back chair but it was to no avail. He was tired, frustrated, and he could feel the beginning of a headache coming on. He seemed to be getting more and more headaches these past few months ever since he mounted from Prince to King. He now understood why his late father, Uther Pendragon, had always needed one of Guias' many concoctions. Though, unlike his father's many reasons for having to take the concoctions, Arthur had limited himself of one main reason upon coming to the crown. He had allowed magic back. It had been a tough choice to make and a more so task of making the council see his way, but he had did it in the end. Now those who practiced magic for good were free and Merlin was among one of them. In fact, it was Merlin's magic that had saved his life and brought the down fall of Mordred.

_Arthur deflected blow after blow with his sword. His grip was becoming weak; his vision was starting to go bleak. He watched as Mordred, a onetime knight of Camelot smiled and brought his blade heavy from the left, his whole body swinging into it. Arthur stepped back then ducked as he watched Mordred leave himself vulnerable as his sword missed its mark. Mordred was a good knight but his swordsmanship was not controlled when emotions ran through him. Arthur took the chance and delivered a blow to Mordred's shin, thus making the young man topple sideways onto the ground. _

_Arthur breathed heavily as he watched Mordred attempt to rise only to fall back down again. His armor was soiled with earth and blood. He glared up at his King. _

"_Go ahead," he laughed without mirth, "Kill me. Kill me as you have killed the rest of my people."_

_Arthur looked down at him and he was dimly aware of the shouts and sounds of war around him. He shifted on his feet and pointed his sword, already red with blood, at Mordred. "I have only killed those that have wished ill will against the people of Camelot. Those that have been slain by my hand walked unto deaths themselves. You have used your talents for bad and to kill. You continue to do so even when I have offered forgiveness! My own sister, as much as she has done, came to me and I offered her forgiveness in which she had done and she lives. But you, you still kill, still do ill."_

"_Morgana is still like me, like all of us with magic. She still holds anger for what your father has done! She may have come to you, her dear sweet brother, but you still imprison her! You don't let her use her magic outside of the castle! I'd rather die than accept that as my fate." Mordred spread himself out on the ground, chest wide open. "Kill me, my king."_

_Arthur pointed Excalibur at the young wizard's chest and said softly, "It was Morgana's choice to limit her power outside the walls of the castle not mine. All I want is peace for my kingdom and not war. I offer you once more a chance of redemption, Mordred." _

"_And I once more decline, Arthur,"_

_The king lifted his sword as if to drive it home but then he stabbed it hard into the ground. He looked Mordred in the eyes, "I have had enough of blood shed for a lifetime. Instead of death you will be whence fourth a prisoner in Camelot living life in a lonely tower and your magic bonded. You will have food, water to bath, day light, and a place to sleep, but you will have no company. This is the price you have paid for using your magic for ill." _

_Arthur then turned away from his captive and sheathed his sword. He would tell Gawain and Leon to come and fetch the young man. He knew with the wound done to his leg there was no chance of him walking away, and as for his magic, well he would have Merlin take care of that. He was just about to enter the wood when he heard his name being shouted and then a blue crisp light filled the glade in which he was in. Turning on his heels, Arthur saw Merlin, his man servant and guardian angel, standing between him and Mordred. _

_Merlin had his hands outstretched and a blue fire pulsing out of them. He was using magic, Arthur realized, to deflect a spell in which Mordred had summoned at Arthur's back. He watched as Merlin shrugged the spell off as easily as if it was a cloak. Merlin's breathing was hard as he walked over and stood over Mordred. Arthur saw the first real glint of fear in the young man's eyes. "Your magic is no more. And if I ever see you try to hurt my king again I will not hold back."_

_Merlin then turned and looked at Arthur. It was then Arthur really saw the man for the first time in months. He was pale, thinner, but he was now built more than he was when Arthur had first met him. His eyes were hard but Arthur saw them soften when laid upon him. He watched as something came over merlin's face before settling into a mask of void emotion then into a smile. He came up to Arthur and said, "Come on. Let's go home."_

That had been months ago. Arthur shook his head and looked around the room again for what must have been the thousandth time that night. He noticed that there were less people in the center of the room now dancing and that many of the lords and ladies and men and women of the village were falling asleep in their seats. They would not go until their king dismissed them so was their loyalty. The kingdom was celebrating the coming of winter that night, but along with the merriment was also worry. The past two winters had been hard, but Arthur was afraid that this winter would be the hardest yet. Because of the war many of the people who tended the fields and crops were either dead or too wounded leaving little to no one to tend the harvest. That of course, wasn't the biggest issue. The frosts were colder this year and were killing almost all the crops they had left and freezing over everything. Arthur felt a twist in his gut at how many people he had lost and the many wolf attacks there had been this week alone. He was afraid many would not survive the winter, and if there defenses were low then others could attack.

He could have used Merlin's silly babble to distract him at the moment. In fact, it was Merlin he was looking for. He had not seen the warlock all day and it was starting to bother him. It was starting to make his stomach clench up and he felt sad as if another part of him was missing. He shook his head dispelling all thoughts away. It wasn't the first time he had thoughts same to those. He knew Merlin, ever since the end of the war, had sought more and more time by himself, which Arthur knew was well known and respected that but it always bothered and worried him. He last saw Merlin the night before when he had dismissed him for the night and he had felt the same empty feeling he did now when he had walked away. What was to miss about the prattling of Merlin anyway?

"Arthur? Arthur are you even listing to me?"

Arthur turned to the black haired, smooth faced and paled complexion of Morgana Pendragon, his sister. She was glaring at him with her jade green eyes just like she had done as a child when her brother (back then they had thought themselves as a ward and son of the king) had ignored her or wouldn't let her join in because she was a girl. Arthur smiled a sheepish smile and said, "I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that."

Morgana snorted and said, "You never do, but then again I suppose that's what dear Merlin is around for. Where is he? I have not seen head nor tales of him?"

Arthur muttered, "He's off doing something or other. I'm sure he probably slipped out with the guard on patrol just to skive off work. " He did not know why but he feared Morgana would pick up on his feelings and grasp their meaning faster than he was and it scared him what she my came to conclude. Besides he didn't want her to know how much he relied on Merlin. He changed the subject, "what were you asking before?"

"I asked if you were going to face Duke Richards' son in the tourney in spring."

Arthur grimaced. He liked fighting in the tourneys. He loved the feeling, the rush, it gave him. It made him feel like a dragon, but moreover it made him feel free. The only problem was Duke Richards' son, William. It wasn't that he was bad fighter he was just-

"I think you should, Arthur. He is a cocky and self-absorbent pig. He needs to be taught a lesson or two. I have seen him in the maids quarters this evening before the feast, pushed poor Holly up against the wall. The poor girl is only twelve! If I could I would face him on my own! Maybe if I see him in the hall tonight…"

Arthur was saved from Morgana finishing her thought and saved from having to rebuke her even though she made a valid point. A young man with ginger hair and freckles walked with a gait up to the king. He was from the kitchen, Arthur noted, Gerry was his name. He bowed sloppily to Arthur and then, twisting his hands, "Sire, pardon me, my lord, but the gate said, no wait that is not right! The men at the gate came to the kitchen, sir, and said the party is back. And Sir Leon asked you to come meet them."

Arthur dismissed the poor boy with a thank you and a slice of bread from the table. Gerry's eyes went wide and he bowed and scampered away. Arthur stood up and the party hushed and turned to look at him. He cleared his throat, "I am going to retire now. I thank all of you for your company and hard work you have given tonight. You may retire or continue to make merry. May the Gods bless on you and your families a good winter and Camelot's doors are always open to those in need."

Arthur waved the knights that were starting to follow away and he and his sister made their way to the eastern gate. Arthur noticed that the torches on the walls were starting to ice over. They stopped at the doors leading out to the courtyard of the east gates. A red haired and shaggy haired knight smiled at the king and walked over, clasping his hand. Leon and Gawain were the head of the Knights that went on patrol and two of the now three knights left of the original Knights of the Round Table.

"I see you all made it back in one piece," he said looking at the group of knights, "It's a miracle to be sure."

The knights chuckled before Leon got serious and reported on their patrol," The outlying villages are ready for winter, sire. They have bundled up as much as a harvest as they could. It is not much…I am afraid."

Arthur nodded and then, with his eyes, conveyed they would discuss more on the subject in private latter. He looked around bur failed to see the brown head of his manservant and Court Warlock. "Where is Merlin? Skimped off to the kitchen as he?"

Leon and Gawain exchanged glances and the latter shook his head, "Arthur, Merlin was never with us."

Arthur felt his body start to grown numb and he crossed his arms, "Gawain, Merlin will not be in too much trouble for skipping his duties. Hell he does it all the time. Lazy is what he is I do not know why I even keep him on."

Leon set a hand on Arthur's arm and said gently," Arthur, Merlin did not come with us. I have not seen him since last night."

"But he has not been around the castle all day. No one has seen him," Said Morgana, speaking up.

Leon glanced at Morgana. He still did not fully feel safe with the witch but he had learned to deal for Arthur's and Merlin's sake. He said politely, "With all due respect, my lady, I know who all went out with us and Merlin was not among those men. "

Arthur closed his eyes and breathed. _Then where is Merlin? I should have known it was foolish to think he went out with the patrol. Merlin hates going on them and only goes because I make him…because I enjoy his company. I knew something was not right...I should have acted upon my feelings. I simply assumed he was with the knights as Gaius had not seen Merlin since the early morning._

"Arthur?"

The group turned around to see Gwen standing behind them. She was now Gwen Du Lake, Wife of Lancelot Du Lake who was now deceased. Arthur, out of love he still bore for her, let her keep her late husband's title and inheritance. Tonight she wore a soft dyed pink gown and her stomach was high with child that was born with the seed of Lancelot before his fall. Her hair hung in her face and she brushed it away as she spoke. "Arthur, Merlin is not in the castle. I thought you knew, I really did, and truly I did."

Arthur put a hand on her shoulders, "Tell me Gwen. Where is Merlin?"

Arthur did not know why he felt so numb or so cold or so afraid. He did not know why he kept imaging the worse happing to Merlin and his heart twisted in his chest as if it would break. He wondered if anyone else saw how he felt and hoped they did not. His stomach dropped upon Gwen's next words. He also knew she knew how he was feeling because her eyes had a hint of light as if realizing something and her hand clutched Arthur's. But what did she realize?

"This morning I went to ask Merlin to accompany me into the village. I went into his room in Gaius' chambers and there was a note on his table. Arthur, I assure you if I would have known…I should have known better but with the feast and the child I simply…Arthur, Merlin went to Ealdor. The reason he isn't here is because he's out there."

The wind whipped and blasted the doors open and the torches gutted out.

**Please review. Reviews help a writer out a lot even if it is criticism. It means I know if I should go on with the story or not and helps me grow stronger in my writing…thank you**


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